Thy Will Be Done - Part One
I am not the same woman who grumpily bussed to campus on the first day of school, casually eye-rolled at freshmen, felt crushed at the lack of diversity, and was desperately peeved that I had to pay for a salad. Just a couple of symptoms from Zappos Withdrawal. Reluctance and borderline grief emerged full force once my college responsibilities took over my eclectic and ephemeral Las Vegas lifestyle. Somehow, my internship entitled me to an eminence over my peers. Humility took a vacation to Mars. But all of it was to change...
Prior to returning to Texas A&M, I firmly decided that I needed to be in a bible study with FOCUS. Years ago, a dear friend, Missy, messaged me to join a study, and I never responded... oops. After reconnecting with her in Denver, I shared with her my intentions - I expressed how I felt ill-equipped as a Catholic in Las Vegas, and how I wanted to join a bible study to communicate these struggles with people who shared similar experiences and sought Scripture to guide us moving forward. With her encouragement and previous letdown overhead, God provided through Caitlin.
Caitlin, a young gregarious FOCUS missionary with bright truth-seeking eyes, led our bible study of weathered students/survivors once a week and selected different parts of Scripture that purposefully addressed discipleship in the world. One night, reading The Lord's Prayer, the line "Thy will be done" stuck out to me. The following week, I frantically searched for an All Sons & Daughters song reminding me of that line. And then I found it. Wake Up. Freshman year, I fell in love with that song.
Here we stand, our hearts are Yours
Not our will, but Yours be done
-All Sons & Daughters
That song ignited a fire in my soul as a freshman to give everything to Christ. To accept His will over mine. But with the strife and temptations of the world, my flame once roaring now flickered diffidently. I often find myself asking what happened. And I can exactly pinpoint the key moment: I chose my will over Christ's.
It's difficult for me to admit that. Someone who has thrived as a leader of my church as a speaker, public relations chair, receptionist. I have sinned, I have taken advantage of people attempting to fill this gaping hole in my heart, I have deliberately dismissed the Holy Spirit and my vocation to be a saint. Darkness, it seemed, consumed my soul, hindering Him.
I am not the same woman who openly praised the glory of God, greeted friend and stranger with a warm smile and open arms, and aimed for sainthood with childlike alacrity.
With my last semester at Texas A&M reaching the end, I discovered how delicately human I was. The pride instilled from my internship faded as the job search resulted in rejection after rejection. Doubts of my legitimacy as a designer shrouded my daily thoughts. A horrible complication with my cell phone insurance tipped me over, and I sat upon my kitchen counter forlorn and without prospect. How did I get here? Everyone is expecting all these great things from me, but I have nothing. Nothing, but a stupid $600 charge on my bill (the issue was resolved the next day).
Then my roommate, sweet Diana, triggered a thought - no, a call. While trying her best to cheer me up, a familiar peace settled and then, I knew. All the jobs I had been applying for were Graphic Design positions, but after shadowing the User Experience team at Zappos, I was hooked and that fascination never dissipated. When people asked me what I wanted to do after college, I typically responded with "I'd like to work as a graphic designer for a couple years then work my way into User Experience." Honestly, I said this to appease people, but mostly because I had no actual UX experience to currently apply to the UX jobs I desired. I thought, eh, I'll just settle for now. While I could actually be a terrible designer, I sincerely believed Christ needed me to fail in this instance to see the bigger picture. With that, I decided to apply for graduate school to not only gain UX experience, but to be the best, most inventive, and passionate designer in the field.
Immediately after, purpose filled my spirit. In the midst of compiling schools, seeking advice, buying GRE study guides, memorizing vocabulary, gathering writers for letters of recommendation; I also began listening to news podcasts, reading books, praying intentionally, writing in my journal, and seeking self-improvement. Throughout this changing time, Thy will be done, Thy will be done, Thy will done rung in my head.
What I am is a woman changing into something unknown. As I push forward through these next last 30 or so days, I am changing. While what I've done in the past is forgiven by the King of Kings, the humbling part is forgiving myself. But I see hope and I am no longer afraid of the unknown ahead.
What am I to be, let Thy will be done.