Agatha Tutia



Thy Will Be Done - Part Two

There's something truly serene about returning from an adventure. Be it eating wedding cake on New Year's in Mexico with your bare hands, reading And Then There Were None while locked in a train station waiting room in middle of nowhere Italy with a gentle giant named Antonio, enduring horrible Tinder dates in Zurich with a zero-chemistry dud, a handsy German, and a stuck up Europhile, or catching beads at my first Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans after driving there alone.

I will never tire of a good adventure. However, my soul desperately needed to dock from this grand voyage. While these experiences were more than memorable and life-changing, I worried that I was escaping reality and my responsibilities. Somehow, I lost myself. 

Right after graduating college, I boarded an airplane to Guadalajara then to Amsterdam. In the midst of country hopping, I never prepared for the anxiety-induced transition into the real world. Especially as I lacked a cement plan for the first time in my entire existence. My life entered limbo and everything just floated. Nothing was for sure. I absolutely abhorred the fool who'd ask me, "What do you do?" Yet, I'd take a lighter approach and cleverly reply, "I'm a stay-at-home daughter."

No career determined me, no school either. So what did define me? Who was I? Completely for the first time vulnerable to the world with just my soul, and I didn't like it. I began questioning my morals, my values, my character. I hated the weaknesses I developed, the selfish actions I committed, the darkness settled in my heart. And I realized how unhappy I felt.

This Lent season, I wanted to embrace a challenge, instead of abstaining, of posting everyday on Instagram. In this unsteady and transient phase, I needed control, I needed to seek myself with Christ, and finally answer the great "Who am I?" question. Some people find social media to distract from reality, but I believe that it's all about intention. I want to share my story. I want to document this transition because it forces me to think about my identity in a very brutal perspective.

What matters? What do I love? How did Christ move me today? How can I improve my weak points? Who is important to me? Have I posted something meaningful? Have I completely trusted in God?

In these questions, in this search for truth and myself, I have to completely and freely give myself to Christ. For Him to increase, I must decrease. Everything that I am is because of Him. Everything I own belongs to Him. Everything I am meant to be is through Him. And while I've suffered from anxiety in this wait for the next chapter of my life, I have no doubt that it will be good.

How this Lent will end, I pray for the best. I pray for a gentler heart and the strength to live in the light. I am far from perfect, but that won't stop me from trying. Let thy will be done.

Read Part One.
Read Part Three.